D.E.C.S.
Dominate Exclusive Control Syndrome
By
Dr. Tom Joseph Ph.D., L.C.P.C.
(Licensed Clinical Pastoral Counselor)
The purpose of this article is to explain a condition I have seen often in my Pastoral counseling practice, which has not been titled nor has been given a particular label assigned to it at this point and time. I named this condition (D.E.C.S.) or Dominate Exclusive Control Syndrome. According to my observation and opinion, like narcissistic personality disorder, D.E.C.S. seems to be an extension of people who are suffering from some kind of paranoid personality disorder, or separation anxiety. It manifests itself as a person exhibiting unhealthy exclusive rights and connections with their spouse or family member. This unhealthy exclusivity they desire to have and, must have with their “loved one” can be motivated by the need to be needed, loved, and wanted, because they have not had it in the past, or fear that their exclusive rights, and privileges with this person has been, or is being threatened. In other words, someone suffering from D.E.C.S. appears to obsess over their partner more than love them. The people with D.E.C.S. will try and divide, attack, and remove any person or persons who they feel is causing the threat of separation between them and their loved one. These so called “intruders” can be stepchildren, parents, siblings, family members, counselors, Pastors, friends…etc. The D.E.C.S. sufferer may feel that these people do not fit into their plan. It appears to be somewhat of a “divide and conquer” theory. These so called “threats” from these “intruders” can be and most likely are unrealistic and unfounded, but the D.E.C.S. sufferer will deem them as real and voluminous (paranoia). A person with this type of syndrome, many times will tolerate and endure violations of infidelity and other acts of unacceptable behaviors from their mate if those “sinful” acts bring shame and humility to that loved one. These types of embarrassing behaviors are sometimes welcomed from the D.E.C.S. sufferer because this will allow them to have the upper-hand and control over their shamed and beaten down partner. Many times, these acts of indiscretions and sin from their loved one will also give them a trump card to use as a weapon for domination and control, believing that this will secure them in not ever “loosing” that other person. The D.E.C.S. sufferer believes that if this person, in whom they are exclusively connected to, ever gets healthy, happy, or independent of guilt and shame, they just might leave or replace them. This is fear based and driven by insecurity. In this type of scenario, the D.E.C.S. sufferer creates the illusion of making that significant person in their life feel ashamed of themselves, this will intern create a dependency and exclusivity to them, and them alone. In other words, the person suffering from this syndrome will not leave their “damaged” partner, but insist on staying with them, not out of love and altruism, but out of their own fear of losing them and being rejected and left to fend for themselves. The D.E.C.S. sufferer will not “allow” certain significant people to get too close to their “exclusive” loved one, in fear of being replaced or influenced, and that there may be a potential problem with the D.E.C.S. sufferer.
This syndrome can be like Munchhausen by Proxy. This is where a parent makes a child sick in-order to feel significant in that child’s life by saving them from the illness they had just created. Both syndromes are motivated out of fear and insecurity of losing love, significance, and material goods. This type of fear can be created by anxiety and depression caused by chemical and/or hormonal imbalance. It also can be formed from being raised in an emotionally or physically abusive home where Christianity, certainty and stability was missing.
This is a: “I need the other person close in order to make me happy, secure, and safe” rather than, “I want the other person close because I love them, and I want them happy”. D.E.C.S. is a very self-directed disorder.
To the extent of one suffering from this syndrome might escalate, is unknown at this time. I believe that one with this type of paranoia and insecurity (depending on the severity of their disorder) can create situations that may ultimately destroy the exclusive loved one, their livelihood, social life and can even progress to the point of possible homicidal or suicidal behavior.
I believe these destructive behaviors can be possible because of the desperate need they may feel of not allowing their exclusive partner to escape the pain and misery they themselves may be experiencing. The D.E.C.S. sufferer will continue to gaslight because of the turmoil they themselves are going through inside of them.
Even though this syndrome is only my opinion at this point and time and has not been clinically tested by any professional group or controlled study, this syndrome seems to be fairly accurate to those who are associated with and/or live with a person suffering from the above description. It has also been fairly accurate based on the cases in my office over the last 30 years of my practice.